Sunday, April 3, 2011

Thinking is hard

Since getting MMOs out of my system again, I've been doing some thinking. I'm turning 26 in two months, which may not seem that old. But I feel old, I look at people of the younger generation and I just don't understand them. My birthdays are never a good thing, I didn't have many friends growing up so my birthdays meant a stressful day of wondering if anyone was going to show up to my party. I remember one birthday, no one did show up (besides family). My mom felt so bad for me that she took me out to the movies that night, and although it hurt knowing I wasn't important enough for any of my "friends" to show up, that was probably one of my best birthdays. It also made me realize that you can't count on most people, and those that you can count on should be cherished.

But I'm getting older every year, and I wasted 6 years on WoW so it feels like I missed a huge part of my adult life already. When I was younger I didn't know if I wanted to have children. My father was abusive to my mother before he died when I was 5 or so. My mother worked evenings and nights all the time (a nurse) so I didn't get to see her much. My step-father spent most of his time with his own kids, so we didn't really have a great environment growing up. It's hard to blame my mom, because she had to work to pay for all of us (3 of her own kids, 3 step kids and later on 2 more children with the step-father). I think growing up I felt sort of expendable. But with that background I wasn't sure if I'd be a good mother or if I even wanted to bring a child into the world. As I get older though, I know I probably do. It scares the crap out of me, but I think I'd be missing something if I don't. I don't know if I'll be a good mother, and we have so many pets right now it will be a struggle and a half to keep them away from the child, but I do want to have one at some point. Preferably before I turn 30!

I've been doing some thinking about where my life is and where I want it to go. When we moved into our house almost four years ago I was too addicted to WoW to do much else. I had quit my job when we moved because it was part time and the hours wouldn't make up the cost of gas for the hour drive there. I also was fired from my other job at the same time, because my boss was always trying to get me to fill in for him and I couldn't do it for a month or two because of finalizing house stuff and moving. That was the only job I've ever been fired from, and although I know I didn't really do anything wrong it still made me feel terrible, like I failed. So when we moved I just lost myself in WoW, I didn't look for a new job. Well I did but there wasn't really anything out there. So I stopped trying. I don't really want to work, but I need to. I want to find a part time job and work for a few years before we try for a baby. I want to have as much debt as we can paid off so I can stay home then. I need to stop moping around thinking about MMOs and get back to living. I don't want to be in my 30s or 40s when I have a child if at all possible. So right now my goal is to job hunt, and spend a lot of my free time working on a book. Maybe by the time I do decide to try for a child I'll be able to have something published! It may not happen, but it feels good to have a plan anyway.


  1. Blah! I posted a comment the other day and a gremlin ate it. I'm going to see if this will post before I try again!

  2. Yay! Anyway, have you decided what sort of job you're going for? It makes sense to try to get on top of debt before you have kids!