Saturday, September 24, 2011

I'm not dead!

I think.... It's been awhile. A long while. I needed to step back and examine my life a bit, something that is really hard for me to do. I've went back to the game on and off since my last post. Never staying long, just liking having it around in case I felt like playing/talking to the two friends I have left who play. I haven't seriously played in over a month (August 15th). After stepping back and looking at why I still played/wanted to play/was having a hard time quitting I finally realized that I had really started quitting over two years ago. In the beginning, I was a hardcore raider; I played to group up with people and down big bad bosses. The end of BC was the last time I seriously raided. I did a few runs in WOTLK, but nothing past Ulduar, even in the newest expansion. I stopped caring as much, I enjoyed playing and leveling characters but I stopped really caring. That's when I started quitting. I'd been holding on to something that stopped mattering to me a long time ago, and man it felt pretty silly. The friend I really enjoyed talking to finally quit as well and now I keep in touch on xbox so I uninstalled again on September 15th.

Now that I have that out of the way! I'm working on getting back to who I was before everything seemed to fall out of place. Goal number one is changing my diet. I lived on pure crap when I played, heck even before then I never really ate well. My whole life pretty much was filled with crap food that made me feel good but made my body all kinds of sad. Do you know how hard it is to eat food that isn't processed? Especially for someone who is pretty picky about certain fruits and veggies! I'm getting better though. I'm trying to be a lot more open minded about stuff like that, though I still refuse to eat fish and probably always will (ew). I'm doing my best to keep to a five ingredient rule, or at least the least amount of ingredients as possible. It's kind of shocking when you look at how much junk is in "healthy" foods. I'm also trying to cook more, although I hate the extra dishes it's amazing actually wanting to be in the kitchen again.

I've started getting passionate about writing again. I want to find my old poetry so I can see how angst ridden I was in my teens :) I've been developing a new story about a shapeshifter. Fitting considering how I used to play druids :-P I'm also helping my sister with her latest book idea, and she's helping me. It's fun having a sounding board. I've been slowly working my way through the pile of books that were sitting on my kitchen table for way too long. I'm down to four or five left!

My gaming now consists of playing xbox every few days (mainly red dead redemption, I love riding the horses lol) and playing Sims 3. I watch a lot of TV too, but I make sure to ride my exercise bike every day for at least part of the time I'm watching. This weekend the husband and I are planning on converting the upper shelf of our closet to a cat area, and building some stairs for the less agile cats. Two of our cats already go up there, unfortunately by way of using our clothes as a ladder. I figure this way we can save our clothes, and the cats that can't climb/jump that high get a new sanctuary from the dogs. The dogs don't mess with them, but cats love high places that they can sleep without worrying about having to move. It's nice having weekend plans that don't involve sitting down all weekend!

Wednesday, May 11, 2011


At this point I'm over two weeks clean. It's honestly the longest I've ever not played WoW in years. I've only stopped playing for longer periods of time when I had no choice in the matter (moving, ect). Some days are a struggle, I can see myself playing and remember the good times I used to have. But then I remember that those good times were about 10% of the time I played. The rest of it was frustrating, grindy, and almost boring. Other days I don't even think about it. I like those days better :-P Thinking about how different I am when I don't play keeps me strong. I've always been somewhat of a dreamer, and I love that I can lose myself in a video game or a novel or a movie for a few hours. The problem with WoW was I was never able to turn it off. There's no beating it, no end, no last page to read. I crave that, that ending that makes everything make sense and finishes the story. I can read a book in one sitting if it interests me enough, or watch a series of movies, or do a video game marathon for a few days. Then when it's over, I'm not interested anymore. I might revisit it at some point, but I can go back to the real world again. I feel like the real me is coming back to life. Sort of like a robot that was forgotten and left rusting in a garage. I'm scared of losing that feeling, of feeling trapped and like a zombie again. That's why I know I won't ever turn back to WoW. Nothing is worth feeling that way.

Time is starting to feel normal again. Whenever I quit for a few days before time seemed to go really slow. I was used to rushing through everything to get more WoW time in, so I'd rush through everything then wonder what to do with all my time. I used to ignore my pets while playing, even worse sometimes I just saw them as a nuisance. Something that got in the way and annoyed me while I was trying to concentrate on my game. I'm starting to really love them again, and treat them like the part of the family I used to. It's like waking up from a bad dream, I can't believe how stupid I was when I used to play. It makes me cherish every second I have now. Life is too short to waste years on a video game!

Monday, May 2, 2011


I have a crazy cold right now. I couldn't sleep last night because of it, and I used up a box and a half of tissues in a day! Ick, I finally passed out around 2 PM. When I'm sick I feel like an alien in my own body. It doesn't do the things I want it to do, and I feel like I'm trying to tell it to do things and it seems like it takes a lot longer to do them. I hate that feeling!

Osama bin Laden is dead. I remember 9/11 pretty clearly, I was in high school at the time, and the whole school basically stopped working and everyone just watched the news. Most of my family lives in NY, most upstate not the city but it still hit close to home. Was Osama bin Laden actually behind these attacks? I don't know, most people will never know. He admitted to them, but it seemed like he just gave up denying it and went along with the story. I'm not saying he wasn't a bad man or didn't deserve to die, I'm just not sure if he's the one really responsible. I'll never know, and he very well may have done it, but I'm not foolish enough to accept what the government says as the truth just because they say it is. I'm not sad that he's dead, but I find it hard to celebrate his death. It doesn't bring back those that were killed, it doesn't even end the war on terror. It doesn't end the ignorance of people, people hating Muslims because they mistakenly believe that he was their leader. Most of all his death just makes me think about all of the people who have died. From 9/11 to those who died searching from Osama bin Laden to those who died in the "war on terror." Life is something precious. I will never understand why people use religion or money or ideals to kill people. Well I guess that's not true, I understand believing in freedom and fighting for it. I don't understand killing someone because their religion is different from yours, despite most religions advocating peace.

Sorry if most of this doesn't make sense. I should go lay down again but I know I'd just lay there. Sigh!

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

A Confession

I haven't been totally open. I've had a problem stepping out of the World of Warcraft and into the real world. I know that I don't want my life to be centered around video games anymore. But for some reason every few weeks I think that I want to still play WoW. So I'll log in (resubscribe if I have to) and play for a day. Then within the next few days I totally regret it, and uninstall the damn thing again. Then a few days later I transfer it back to my computer from the husband's (he never gets around to uninstalling!). I don't know why I do this, I think it's because I panic about failing in the real world and want to go back to my crutch, even if it's just for a day or a few hours. It's especially bad if something stressful happens, I freak out and the idea of losing myself in a fake world seems pretty tempting.

My last trip into WoW was this weekend, Saturday night I transferred it over and by Monday I had uninstalled it again. This time was different though. I met someone this month that I became pretty good friends with in game. She's a lot like me personality wise, but a few years older. She shares my feelings about the game, but she's not ready to leave it yet. Seeing her was a lot like seeing myself a year or so ago. Hating the game, but still wanting to play all the time for some reason. She's nearing 30 and has no plans for marriage or kids, despite having the man and the desire for both. She's educated and jobless. A huge part of all that I know, partly from experience, is from playing. It's obviously her choice to do what she wants, but it made me so sad to see someone who could be doing amazing things stuck in this game. And the worst thing is that I knew if I stopped playing, I'd probably never talk to her again. It's so hard to talk to people who are currently playing. It's like trying to communicate with someone in space, what can you discuss? "Well, I went to the store today and bought milk." "I floated around in outer space. Isn't that awesome?" It's two different planes of existence.

By Monday night I knew I was done. I was so tired of disappointing myself, and all the stress that quitting and then playing was putting on me. I logged off fully intending to quit. I called the husband and told him, and he said it was fine because he was bored already himself. Usually when I would "quit" I wouldn't inform anyone. Most of my in game friends have quit, or I've just lost touch with them. So I'd just log off quietly and plan on never coming back. This time I thought of my friend. I logged back on, and told her I was quitting. She told me that quitting was one of the best things you could ever do, although she was sad to see me go. I traded her all of my stuff, gold and everything and exchanged e-mails (although I doubt I'll ever hear from her!). The most important thing I did though: strip my account of all of my information that I could. And remove my authenticator, and change both the e-mail and password to something I'll never remember offhand. Then I tossed my authenticator in the trash. Every other time I quit I never got rid of my stuff or changed my email address. It was like I was expecting to come back, or just wanted my stuff there in case I did want to come back. But now I know that gold and gear are just pixels, and once you realize there's nothing special about them it doesn't feel like a big loss to get rid of them.

So, I confess that I hadn't really fully quit WoW yet. I thought I had, but I kept going back. Monday, April 25, I quit for real. And I've never felt so free in my life. The best part? I had a terrible, stressful day on Tuesday and I didn't even feel an urge to go back.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

What I missed

Things I missed when I played WoW:
-eating real, fresh cooked food
-the simple joy of listening to music that touches your soul
-spending time with real people
-feeling the sun, rain, or wind on my skin
-being alive
-dressing up for no reason
-pampering myself
-giving my pets the attention they deserve
-giving my husband the attention he deserves
-talking to people who aren't WoW zombies
-time not flying by me

More to be added if I think of any :-P What did you miss the most when you played?


I don't have the best relationship with Jake's parents. They don't understand me (fair enough, sometimes I don't either!) and have different priorities than I do. My family was never that close so I'd see them maybe once a year, the in-laws want to see us every holiday. It would be fine if it was just us, but it's a headache to load up all the dogs and take them with us, and then they have to stay outside the whole time we're there. It's also extremely expensive to board three dogs their size. So most of the time I get Jake to go alone, I hate being away from him but it's just the easier choice. His parents don't get that our dogs are part of the family, we don't want to leave them outside all the time. Every time they visit us they seem to mention that our dogs are too big to be inside and they should be outside dogs. Sure they're bigger than most inside dogs, but there are advantages to having big dogs. You can actually hug them, they bark loud enough to scare away any potential robbers, they don't bark constantly like little yappy dogs, and they tend to be easier to train just to name a few.

Last weekend the in-laws came to visit us. Surprisingly it didn't go horribly. Jake's mother was actually nice and we chatted for awhile, not just sat in awkward silence. The best part about them coming to visit is Jake's father fixes stuff around the house. This time they fixed our outside faucet, pulled two bushes out that we wanted removed, and gave us their old fridge (which was still about 20 years newer than our old one). The new fridge is awesome, we have an ice maker! I've never had one before haha. All said it was a decent visit for once. It makes me think maybe his family might actually accept me. Or at least put up with me because Jake doesn't plan on getting rid of me!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Video games

When I played WoW, I played on a few RP servers for a time. I never really RPed but I have always had an RP mindset. When I played WoW, or any other video game for that matter, I sort of see myself as that character. I'd keep outfits that I liked the look of, have a mount that matched my character... I think that's why I've always had such a hard time turning off the WoW. My characters were like part of me, or maybe I was part of my characters. The first time I ever remember feeling like that was on Zelda for the Super Nintendo. Link was male, but I felt connected to the character. I was out to save the world and the princess, I was the hero! It's hard to be a hero in the real world. It's hard to do something so noteworthy, to do something that no one else has done. It's a lot harder to save people in the real world. And some of them don't even really want to be saved.

I'm kind of a control freak. I'm not bitchy about it, or at least I try not to be, but I like when things are just right. What makes them just right? I have no idea, I just know when it feels right. Like snapping a puzzle piece into the right place. You ever watch a movie or read a book where someone does something so just wrong? And you want to scream at the TV or book and tell them they're doing it wrong. But you have no control over those people, or people in everyday life for that matter. I think that's one of the things I like most about video games. Sure, you have to follow a story line, but you get to decide how you do that. I like games where you can be evil or good, and it effects the world around you. If only you could see that happening in the real world more often, it would make our decisions feel more important. But the best thing about video games outside of WoW is that I can turn them off. Only WoW seems to make me want to play all day, every day. That's not even the worst thing about WoW though; when you play it, it makes the real world seem dull. Like putting on a dark pair of sunglasses, or blinders. It makes me sad to think about all of the people still lost in that maze. There's nothing even waiting for them in the middle or on the other side besides a whole lot of wasted time and energy. I talk about WoW a lot in my blogs. I guess it helps me to think about where I'm going when I ponder where I'm coming from.

Friday, April 8, 2011


I love Fridays. It's the last day of the work week for Jake so I know I get two uninterrupted days with him. We actually have some plans for this weekend, nothing too exciting but it feels good to have plans that don't consist of getting all the chores done so we can play MMOs all weekend. We bought the game Wipeout for Wii that we're planning on trying. It's Jake's favorite TV show so I figured it was worth getting! We have a bunch of yard work to do, if we can squeeze it in in between the rain. And maybe a walk or two!

Last Sunday there was a pretty intense thunderstorm here. We lost electricity for a few hours, and we were able to watch the electric company mess with some of the wires from our bedroom wire. A few cars went down that way, stopped, then eventually turned around. We checked the day after and there was a huge tree that fell over in a neighbor's yard. It knocked down a pole, which was blocking the road, which explains why no one could get through that way! The tree is massive though, and the guy is lucky that it didn't land on his house. I wonder if you have to pay for replacing the line if a tree in your yard falls over? I'd hope not, you can't really control it! I should have taken pictures of it but it didn't really occur to me until I started typing about it! Plus I wouldn't really want people taking pictures of my house and posting them online haha.

I've been taking Reeses on a short walk every other day. I think I might start doing every day soon though, and increasing the distance slowly. I'm trying to increase his mobility in his back leg. When we were too busy playing WoW I liked to pretend that we were great pet owners. But although we made sure they were fed and such we didn't give them the attention they deserved. One of my biggest regrets is that we didn't do enough to help with Reeses' leg problem. I should have been walking him every day since we found out about it. Instead, I just played WoW and ignored the problem. That's not fair to him, nor is it fair to our other pets to be ignored most of the time. It just makes me sad to think it came to that, I love our pets and they deserved better. I intend to do my best to make sure they get it from now on.

I made lasagna today. I used fresh onion and garlic, which I usually don't. In fact, I've never chopped an onion before today. I used to think it was silly when people talk about how onions make you cry. Yeah, it's definitely not silly. It's so not very fun, and I think I've discovered that I wasn't meant to be a chef! I did a pretty terrible job of chopping the onions, but the lasagna tastes amazing. A tip I learned from looking up how to modify my recipes to include fresh onions and garlic instead of minced: while cooking the sauce for the last 1/2 hr stick the uncooked noodles in a pan of very hot water. It's much easier to work with the noodles like that than cooked ones, and they finish cooking in the oven. Plus boiling lasagna noodles is always a headache, they're huge and you have to be careful not to break them.

I bought a paint by number kit the other day. Sounds silly, but my sister used to do them all the time when we were younger. I never really tried them, and I was hoping doing so would spark my passion for painting again. I was never really that great at painting, but there's something so amazing about the feel of a brush across canvas. I used to use oil paints, but now I kind of want to try acrylic as well. Either way I'm definitely going to buy some canvas at some point and hope I come up with something half way decent! I also kind of want to try my hand at a mosaic again. When I was in HS I made a faux glass window type mosaic, using those colored pebbles used for fake plants on a large sheet of Plexiglas. It didn't turn out as good as I wanted it to, but it was really fun designing it and working on it. I feel a lot more creative now that I've quit MMOs. Sort of like the old me coming back to life again.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Thinking is hard

Since getting MMOs out of my system again, I've been doing some thinking. I'm turning 26 in two months, which may not seem that old. But I feel old, I look at people of the younger generation and I just don't understand them. My birthdays are never a good thing, I didn't have many friends growing up so my birthdays meant a stressful day of wondering if anyone was going to show up to my party. I remember one birthday, no one did show up (besides family). My mom felt so bad for me that she took me out to the movies that night, and although it hurt knowing I wasn't important enough for any of my "friends" to show up, that was probably one of my best birthdays. It also made me realize that you can't count on most people, and those that you can count on should be cherished.

But I'm getting older every year, and I wasted 6 years on WoW so it feels like I missed a huge part of my adult life already. When I was younger I didn't know if I wanted to have children. My father was abusive to my mother before he died when I was 5 or so. My mother worked evenings and nights all the time (a nurse) so I didn't get to see her much. My step-father spent most of his time with his own kids, so we didn't really have a great environment growing up. It's hard to blame my mom, because she had to work to pay for all of us (3 of her own kids, 3 step kids and later on 2 more children with the step-father). I think growing up I felt sort of expendable. But with that background I wasn't sure if I'd be a good mother or if I even wanted to bring a child into the world. As I get older though, I know I probably do. It scares the crap out of me, but I think I'd be missing something if I don't. I don't know if I'll be a good mother, and we have so many pets right now it will be a struggle and a half to keep them away from the child, but I do want to have one at some point. Preferably before I turn 30!

I've been doing some thinking about where my life is and where I want it to go. When we moved into our house almost four years ago I was too addicted to WoW to do much else. I had quit my job when we moved because it was part time and the hours wouldn't make up the cost of gas for the hour drive there. I also was fired from my other job at the same time, because my boss was always trying to get me to fill in for him and I couldn't do it for a month or two because of finalizing house stuff and moving. That was the only job I've ever been fired from, and although I know I didn't really do anything wrong it still made me feel terrible, like I failed. So when we moved I just lost myself in WoW, I didn't look for a new job. Well I did but there wasn't really anything out there. So I stopped trying. I don't really want to work, but I need to. I want to find a part time job and work for a few years before we try for a baby. I want to have as much debt as we can paid off so I can stay home then. I need to stop moping around thinking about MMOs and get back to living. I don't want to be in my 30s or 40s when I have a child if at all possible. So right now my goal is to job hunt, and spend a lot of my free time working on a book. Maybe by the time I do decide to try for a child I'll be able to have something published! It may not happen, but it feels good to have a plan anyway.

Monday, March 28, 2011


Well, I tried to play it. I really did. In the course of about two weeks I played on about four different shards (servers), most of them just to check out the population and such. I got a rogue character to 24, and a cleric to 19. It's not a bad game, and people who loved WoW would probably love it. Not because it's a clone or copy cat, but because it does a lot of the same things right. It reminded me a bit of vanilla WoW, which was my favorite time period in WoW. But that said, the people who play MMOs are still the same. Yes, there seems to be less 12 year olds in Rift. But I think it's hard not to beat WoW at that :-P But they're still the same self-centered, out of touch with reality people. People in MMOs actually encourage others to spend more and more time in game, and less time in the real world. People who haven't ever played one don't understand just how much it sucks you in. The more time and effort you put in, the "cooler" you are in game. And the more stuff you have going on in game, the more time you WANT to spend sitting on your ass in front of your computer. So you spend more time in game to get more done which in turn leads to more things you're able to do and therefore spend even more time in game. They do this for one simple reason: to keep people playing and spending money. Who can blame them really...

All of that said, I can't do it anymore. I just can't put a fantasy world above my real life anymore. For someone like me who struggles with addiction to MMOs, you can't play an MMO casually. Sure, I can put limits on my time and make sure I do everything else I need to before I sit down and start playing. But when I do that, I end up rushing through everything else in order to start playing that much quicker. It sucks me in and before I know it I've been playing for 10 hours and it's almost bed time. Everything becomes about the game, and even when I'm not playing, I'm thinking about my characters or what I need to do in game. It's hard to enjoy anything else when that's all you focus on. I know that's not really normal, and some people can play these games without a problem. I'm just not one of them.

Rift didn't really suck me in though. I played way too much for the first day and a half, then after that I was just meh about it. Not because it's a bad game, but because that's how I feel about all MMOs anymore. I guess I've just grown up enough to know that there's nothing in those games for me anymore. The MMORPG worlds can be beautiful and amazing, but I know that they will never be real. And only a fool spends his time chasing something that can never be.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

I slept too long!

Yesterday was an interesting day (well today technically, it's still Saturday here). Jake and I usually go to bed around 6 AM and get up around 2 AM. After he got out of work around 5:30, we decided to go run to Lowes to pick out our new washer before it got crowded out. We drove about a mile down the road when we heard the back tire making a thudding noise. We got out and looked and sure enough there was a huge nail sticking in the tire. I'm happy it was the back tires though, and that it was us instead of someone else because our back tires needed to be replaced anyway. We limped the truck home and put on the spare, and looked up what hours the tire shop was open. It opened at 8, and Lowes opened at 7 so it was perfect timing. We stopped at McDonalds to get Jake some breakfast, I got a small shamrock shake which was actually pretty good.

We spent a good half an hour looking at the different washers, and I ended up picking up a HE top loader, hopefully it runs okay. I looked at a bunch of different washers online and knew a few to avoid. People have mixed feelings about HE washers in general, but I've never had one personally. Since it was cheaper than some of the other ones, we decided to get a new dryer as well. So tomorrow Lowes is delivering and installing them for us, free. :D I hope they know what they're doing, the people who work there seem to be pretty clueless. When we were picking up our new shed half of them didn't know where anything was! But either way Jake knows how to install them, so as long as they can manage to get them here it will be fine. I'm pretty excited though, I usually only get used appliances, so it will be nice to have something that hopefully cuts our electricity and water bill a bit. Oh, and Jake's parents are getting a new fridge so they're giving us their old one. I say old one, but it's still a good 10 years newer than our current one. Now we just need to get a newer stove and water heater and our appliances will be all modernized!

Jake dropped me off at Walmart while he went to go get new tires. They have a book bin with two dollar books in it this week, which are probably terrible books but I'm a sucker for cheap books so it kept me occupied. Our tire shop didn't have them in stock though, so he gets to go back on Monday. By the time all that was done it was 9 AM, so we were pretty beat. Add that to the cold I've been fighting off lately and I slept until about 10 PM. Well there goes any hope I had of having a normal sleep schedule :-P

Drama Llamas

I really like the phrase "drama llama." Llamas in general are amusing, and the word just rolls off your tongue. However, drama llamas are not cool when they're going on in your life. Going by doesn't sound like the correct phrase for drama llamas. Passing by? Spitting in your face? Drama llamas would definitely spit in your face. Incoming long, drama filled story. If you don't like drama, pretend this post doesn't exist.

We made many friends in WoW when we played, most of which we don't talk to anymore. There was one friend in particular that we became really close to. I'm going to call him Ned, but that isn't his real name. We played with Ned for years, and we even paid for his account for a few months when he was having a hard time. We sent him some money and a walmart gift card for food too. We normally don't help people out like this, but we became really close with Ned. He was basically like a brother to me. We had each other's phone numbers in case we needed to call each other to get on WoW for something. Sounds strange, but a lot of people do it in WoW. I gave my number out to a few select people that I really trusted in game. So one night I called him and asked if he'd be on later for a raid or something. He told me that he was getting evicted from his place so probably not. I was a little shocked, I didn't know it was quite that bad. I knew Ned was having a rough time, his mother had just died and he had taken some time off work and I guess it just all piled up. My husband and I have a tendency to adopt lost strays (which is why we have 9 pets!) so we couldn't just let a good friend of ours go homeless. We offered to send him money for gas so he could drive down here through western union or some such place. We couldn't afford to pay for him to get a new place, but we could swing a few hundred for gas. He packed his stuff up and was getting ready to leave in the morning after we sent off the money when his car died (it had been having problems lately, so not a big shock either). So Jake and I stepped up to the plate and drove through three states (I think it was three, never was good at geography) to pick Ned up and drive him here.

It was a little strange, being in the car with someone you've never met before but have talked to for hours on vent. But we knew it was just temporary, Ned was getting some life insurance money from his mother's death and then he was going to find his own place. A day or two after he moved in with us, we got a big shock. Apparently, Ned's mother called Jake at work. Ned had left his cell phone at his old apartment, and we had called him from Jake's cell phone on the way. We asked if it was Ned's step-mother, but no it was his real mother. Who apparently is either a zombie or not so dead after all. This curve ball set the stage for the rest of the time Ned stayed with us. He lied to us about so many things, his old jobs, his school history, his non-existent two sisters. Jake also got him a job at his work, where Ned spent 99% of his workday looking at WoW forums. Ned never contributed much for staying with us and using our car; some months he'd give us 200 dollars (what we asked him to contribute) others he wouldn't. We didn't press it too much because we wanted him to save up money to get his own place. Still, despite all the drama Ned was part of the family. He adopted one of our cats, or she adopted him. She'd sit in the window waiting for him to come home every day, and she slept on him every single night. When he got his own place, he was going to take her with him. Which was OK with us, we know how it is when someone bonds with a pet. But eventually Ned got fired and he wasn't putting much effort into finding a new job. After having been with us for a year and one fight too many, Ned opted to move back to his home state and stay with his mother and step-father. They wouldn't let him take his cat, so we agreed to watch her for him until he could get back on his feet.

I was glad to be rid of the drama, but I still wanted to keep in touch. I tried to call and check up on him, but he was never home and never returned my calls. Six months after leaving, he e-mailed us. He didn't even wish us congratulations on our wedding, which took place a few months after he left. I gave up on him at that point. About a year and a half later, this January, we started communicating again. We aren't the type to hold grudges, we know that people make mistakes. Ned claimed to have changed, and that he had a decent job and his own apartment now. We talked for a few months, and he mentioned coming to visit us this summer. I asked him about his cat, even though we had pretty much given up on him ever getting her. He responded that he just wasn't ready to have a cat yet. This "man" is almost 30 and can't be responsible enough to take care of his cat? After all the stuff we did for him, he couldn't even come get his cat. I told him that it was terrible to get a pet attached to you then just leave them. He said that people do it all the time, they take them to the pound. At this point I didn't even want him to have her, for all I know he would of taken her to the pound. I blew up on him and told him to not contact me again.

It's not even really about the cat. I mean it would be nice to have a few less pets to take care of, but we love all our pets and they aren't going anywhere. But I know that she misses him. People say that animals don't remember people or feel things like we do, but she sat in the window for months after he left, waiting for him to come home. It broke my heart. She's better now, but I know she'd be happier with him. She's kind an independent cat and she prefers to keep to herself, which is hard to do in a house with 8 other pets! But the bottom line is we did so much for Ned. We tried to help him in every way that we could. And he just used us and never once did anything unselfish. I guess in a way it was a test to see if he could be unselfish and do something for us for once. He failed miserably. I don't plan on ever talking to Ned again. But it still hurts losing someone who was like a brother to me. I'll miss him, but I know our life is better off without someone like that in it. Most of all I'm disappointed. I guess some people never do change, no matter how much you want them to.

Almost another new month!

Well, it's been a bit since I posted. Nothing too exciting has happened, I'm over WoW completely at this point. A friend of mine did talk me into trying Rift though, but after less than a week playing I figured out that it's just the same thing. I'm trying to adjust to having a free life, where I don't have to wake up every day and log onto xyz video game at some point. Since I don't work, MMOs were what gave me structure and it's hard to figure out what to do with my life when that's gone, as sad as that sounds. The rational person would be like well go get a job! I probably should, but for many reasons I probably won't. Reason 1: I have a phobia of driving. I think a lot of this developed when my grandfather helped teach me to drive and would yell at me every time I made a mistake. I can get through it when I absolutely have to, but it scares the crap out of me. Reason 2: I hate working. Not because I'm lazy or don't want to do something with my life, but it makes me feel trapped. Reason 3: My husband doesn't want me to. We want to have a child in a few years, and we both want me to be a stay at home mother (we both were raised by rather absent parents). Those may not sound like good reasons to some people, but... It's not like I haven't worked before, for a short while I was the one working while my husband was struggling to find work. That's part of the reason I want to become a writer, because it's something I could do mainly at home. Having a crazy love of books and not being the worst writer in the world doesn't hurt either :-P

When I was younger (12 or so) I had so many ideas for stories, some of them were so strong that to this day I still remember them in vivid detail. I've started so many books only to stop working on them. I think my problem is that I'm afraid I'll finish one and it won't be any good. Typing that makes me feel silly though, because if I don't even finish one I lose by default. A nonexistent book can never be good! I've always been a perfectionist though, failing at something is one of the worst things for me! I really need to just buckle down and work on it, good or bad. I can always fix it and improve it with time!

It's been a busy month on top of all of that going on inside my head. Jake's parents came to visit for a weekend, and ended up putting up a new shed for us. Our old one was pretty much junk when we moved in. This was at the beginning of the month, and we still haven't been able to paint or caulk the darn thing! It's been raining and snowing almost nonstop since. This week our washing machine finally died, so tomorrow we get to go pick out a new one. I bought an exercise bike to use indoors when I can't go outside and I've been trying to get back in shape. My goal is to use it everyday for at least a mile, and work up from there. It's embarrassing but I gained a bunch of weight when I started playing WoW. Sitting at your computer and not moving tends to do that to you :-P I've already lost 40 lbs before even quitting though, so it's just time to keep going and lose the rest! I'm going to write the other reason I've been MIA in another blog as it's a super long story. But I'm still alive!

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

New month

Well it's a new month offically now! I picked a good time to have a new beginning :) My nap this morning consisted of me dozing for maybe an hour on and off. Strangly I'm full of energy right now though, I'm running on not very much sleep but I feel like I could outrun Twix right now (our great dane, or deer!). I know I probably really couldn't, WoW doesn't exactly help with being in shape. But it's so nice just being up at a decent time and seeing the sun rise. I used to think it was cool when I was younger to claim to be a night person, but in reality I'm more of a hmm mid-morning person. I don't really need to be up at 6 AM every day, but around 8 or 9 is perfect for me. Here's a picture of our deer, on her couch. She spends 90% of her time on that thing, and usually she's in the middle of it so no one else could possibly sit on it :-P
The last member of our dog family is Snickers, our german shepard. He's probably our smartest dog, and as is typical of the breed he's kind of high strung. That box he's laying next to is full of his dog toys, he's the only one that really plays with them. He carries one around in his mouth most of the day. I have no idea why! Some mornings I'll wake up and there's ten toys outside his box. I guess he gets bored of just carrying one around all night :-P I'm trying to train him to put them back in the box now! I need to spend more time working with him, he's very easy to train. I trained him to drop toys on command in about 10 minutes. His neck looks all gross because Reeses loves to chew on him when they go outside. Poor Snickers will be running around and Reeses is like I R GET YOU and glomps on him. He doesn't hurt Snickers, but apparently it's the most fun game ever because no matter how I've tried to break him of the habit he still does it! He just loves annoying Snickers for some reason. He'll grab a toy once in a while and just start squeaking it, poor Snickers has a heart attack. It doesn't matter if he already has his own toy, he must have the one Reeses is chewing on! I don't feel so bad about it though because Snickers was the last dog we got fixed and he used to always hump Reeses. I think he's gay, he never went after Twix :-P
See, here's a picture I took after a snow storm a few weeks ago where Reeses was munching on Snickers. Bad dog! Ha, I just noticed after I posted this that you can see Twix running in the top right corner, or at least her head :-P

Monday, February 28, 2011

Nom nom

I finally passed out around 3 PM today, then woke up around 7:30 PM. I'm going to try to sleep for a few more hours in the early morning then stay up all day tomorrow. Tomorrow is the husband's birthday, it seems to sneak up on me every year. I ordered him a game that he's been wanting, and we're getting his truck fixed. Practical and fun all at the same time :-P He's not much of a cake person and we don't really do parties so I'll probably just tell him to order himself a pizza for dinner tomorrow.

When I woke up, I actually started reading again. It's just a silly fluff romance novel, but hey reading is reading! I don't feel like doing anything tonight, I'm still drained from yesterday. So right now I'm starving and instead of going to cook something I'm just surfing the web. Motivation, I needs you! Hopefully tomorrow I'll be more energetic, getting up when it's not pitch black out will probably help.

Sleep or lack thereof

So I never used to have sleep problems before I started playing WoW. I don't know if that's just a happy coincidence or they developed because of my gaming. Now, some weeks I just can't sleep. I'll try to sleep for hours, on and off, then just give up and get up. Or I'll sleep for three hours and my body decides that's enough for me. Or I'll sleep for 12 hours and still feel tired. I don't know what my body's problem is, but it drives me batty that I can't control how much I sleep.

I'm realllllly tired today. Not because of my normal sleep issues, but because the husband has been working even later than usual and that led to a really messed up sleep schedule. Again! My husband usually works from 5 PM to about 3 AM. Usually he doesn't get out until at least 4 though, and last week it was about 7 AM. I hate going to bed before he gets home because then it feels like I never get to see him. But at the same time I hate going to bed at 4AM. Anyway, on Friday the terrible weather caused a lot of problems that made him stay until around 8 AM. So I stayed up and my schedule got so messed up that today er well yesterday we woke up at around 5 PM. It's almost 10 AM now and I'm so tired. But I'm so sick of going to bed at stupid times that I thought it was a bright idea to just stay up. I'm pretty sure none of that made any sense. Ugh, yeah I'm tired.

It's days like today that I wish I liked coffee, or tea. I only drink soda though and I'm trying to quit that. I'm debating on going for a walk but I'm not sure if it would be very smart to wander around when I'm half asleep. It'd probably wake me up but I'm clumsy enough when I'm not half asleep and I'd rather not hurt myself. One of my dogs is snoring right next to me. I don't like him very much right now! This is him, Reeses. He's the hardest dog ever to take pictures of, the only way to get him to stand still long enough is to sneak up on him when he's sleeping. When he's awake he's the most hyperactive dog I've ever met. Despite having a bad leg, he tries to climb on you and wags his whole butt when he wags his tail. He's a good dog though, he's the not so bright, loveable one in our family.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Moving forward

Well it's been about two days since I last logged onto WoW. It's not quite as hard as I expected it to be, but the first few days have always been the easiest for me. What is hard is finding other things to do with the husband without WoW. It's cold and snowy and storming out this weekend (yes, it has been doing all three o_O) so we can't go outside and do anything. I met my husband in WoW so needless to say it's always been a big part of our lives together. He's not just a WoW addict though, he's a video game addict period. He has little to no hobbies outside of gaming when he's not working. That makes it hard for us to do things outside of WoW, I'm trying to get him to open up his mind to other things but it's definitely a work in progress. Sometimes I feel like compared to him I have so many interests and things I'd love to do, where as I think he'd be happy just gaming for the rest of his life.

The biggest problem is that I love reading and books. It's always exciting picking out new books and then coming home and reading them. I could spend hours in a book store, even if I don't buy anything. Or a library for that matter. My husband doesn't read. I try to encourage him to read sci-fi or fantasy books as they can parallel the storyline in a video game, but the only ones he's mentioned wanting to read are ones based on video games. It's so hard for me to understand that. Those books are probably terrible, though I've never read one. Before I started playing WoW, books were my life. I could spend a weekend at home reading and it was the most relaxing, comforting thing ever. Now that I've quit I want to get back into reading and writing, but knowing that he doesn't read makes me sad. What about when I do finally finish a book and I want to share that with him?

I don't know, I just hope that with time we'll find more things to do together and it gets easier. It will help when it's actually nice out and we can go outside. We both love animals and nature (minus the bugs!) so we plan on getting a lot more active when we can. It will be nice to lose the WoW weight and get back in shape! It's funny how when you stop playing, you stop talking to all the people you used to play with. For one they're so busy playing that they don't have time to talk to people, and for another it seems like all those relationships were just so superficial. If you can't talk about gear, gold, or xyz WoW thing there's really not much to talk about. Not that I didn't talk to them about other things in game, but all of that was done while working on one of those in game things. Once you cease being useful for them, they couldn't care less about you. It's sad that I spent so much of my time playing with those people. I'm just glad I got out, and can hopefully stay out. I'm tired of missing out on the world while playing in a fake one.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Another year wasted!

So... quitting is hard. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I'm not a weak person. I'm actually a very strong, opinionated person, but I am also very anti-social. WoW gave me a way to communicate with people without letting them too close. There's only one person in my life that I feel I can count on (the husband), other people just let you down. I think that's the main reason why I find it so hard to quit. WoW gave me a safe way to be social, without strings or disappointment. If people upset me or annoyed me I could just log off and not have to deal with them anymore. It's really hard to log off from people in the real world. So here I am on attempt number [insert ridiculous number here] to quit that evil game.

People like to say it's not the game's fault. I agree that it's not totally the game's fault. But the game is built to keep people to keep playing and spending money. All of my old in game friends struggled with playing too much, to varying degrees. Some people took it to extremes like me and played 10+ hours most days. Others just stayed up too late and cut their sleep short or put a few things off to play a little more. It's sad but it's hard to blame the company. Of course they want to make money and there are people that can balance their playing. I still think the game is toxic though, so many people's lives are destroyed by it.

The bottom line is that I'm tired of letting a game have control over me. I need to put on my big boy (person?) pants and accept that if I don't change something I'm going to just keep going back to that game. The stupid thing is the past 6 months or so I haven't even had fun playing when I did play. Why do I keep doing a hobby that I don't enjoy?! That's beyond stupid. And when I think about how I let my life get so derailed for a freaking video game I kind of want to kick my own ass. It's pixels! Sure they're pretty and all, but they aren't real. In 10 years or whenever the game closes down for good all those people still playing will have nothing to show for it. You can't even keep your darn character, it's not even really yours to begin with. And for all that people are ending marriages, neglecting kids, and gaining tons of weight. I remember when video games used to be associated with fun. None of that sounds fun to me.

Anyway, enough ranting. This is day one for me. Again! It makes me sad to read that post I wrote a year ago, a year I could of done something productive in. I don't want to make that mistake again. It's up to me to grow up, and learn how to live again.